After volunteering for Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep at the same hospital for several years, I developed fairly close relationships with several of the Labor and Delivery nurses - meaning, if they ask me to be somewhere, I’m there. Working closely with these woman in birth and death, side by side, connects them to me in a way that is precious, so I’m always happy to help when needed.

Since the crazy work schedule of nurses doesn’t allow for much time to chat, I’m used to quick text messages in order to communicate. So when my phone actually rang, I was sure to pick up. ‘I have a favor to ask…’

Baby Lily was scheduled to be born via cesarean section at a specific date and time, which wasn’t unusual; but after being diagnosed with a condition (Trisomy 18) that would likely mean she wouldn’t survive the actual birth - if she even survived that long - put much more on the line when it came to her birth. With so much uncertainty, her parents wanted to make sure that every moment of her life was celebrated and captured.

‘I know this falls outside of the typical Now I Lay Me Down the Sleep volunteer photography guidelines and I honestly have no idea what the outcome is going to be - but would you consider photographing the birth?’

With clearance from the medical team for me to be present in the room during the c-section (due to many medical factors, it’s rare for a Doula or Birth Photographer to be allowed in the room during this procedure), I was committed with no second guessing at all.

Lily being born is one of the biggest miracles I’ve ever witnessed in my life. As we all prepped that morning for her arrival, the atmosphere was a familiar one to me: anticipation, confusion, vulnerability, cautious hope, sadness, fear, and encouragement for one another filled the room with barely a word spoken. On the one hand, hearing a sigh, the slightest whimper of a cry, would be an overwhelming moment to celebrate; but knowing even that may be too much to ask was cause for the room to feel collectively as though it were holding its breath.

When babies are born with a short life expectancy, moments to celebrate don’t come with the cheer that would normally take place. With each breath of air, blink of an eye, slight movement of a finger there is a long pause, trying to savor the moment, overcome with joy to witness more than you ever feared possible but also tracking whether or not this will be the last.

As baby Lily cried out during her birth (a small squeak that sounded like a roar) the room rushed with a brief moment of joy and waited for the next sound. The medical professionals moved quickly to allow Lily’s Mom a moment to see her but give her the immediate medical care needed. I kept up with the team and Lily’s Dad, staying close, but keeping my distance.

In the back of the operating room was a door that lead to a side room, where machines began testing Lily’s heart, oxygen, and other survival measures. We all stood around Lily as she began to decline, amazed at her strength and our ability to spend this much time with her but also acknowledging there wasn’t much left, as the numbers on the screen began to lower and her movements quickly slowed.

Enough information was gathered in a matter of moments to wrap Lily back up and take her back to her mother, who was in the final stages of being stitched. Lowering the neckline of her gown, she was able to be placed skin to skin on her mother’s chest. And we waited.

But that’s all we did.

Despite Lily declining when she was in the back room, she was now changing before our eyes as she lay skin to skin on her mothers chest. We watched and listened to her breaths, almost monitoring the depth and distance between each one, smiled with every attempted cry, and slowly - so slowly - began to realize we may have more time with her. Heart to heart with her mother, she began improving.

“Lily’s story has been far from what we expected.”

Shortly after, everyone was wheeled back to the recovery room where extended family had been nervously waiting to hear details about her arrival: grandparents, aunts, uncles, and big brother surrounded and quietly took turns meeting Lily. Several doctors and nurses came in to warmly assess her health, she was baptized, and it was clear there was no need for me to stay longer. Though it was early, it appeared Lily was going home.

Several months later, I received an email from Lily’s father. I don’t often hear from the families I volunteer for, so I was thrilled to hear his update:

“Hi Teresa,

I just wanted to give you an update on Lily. I’m sure there are many/most cases with your work with Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep that have very sad endings. As you know that is what we expected with Lily. But Lily’s story has been far from what we expected.

Lily will be 4 months old on Saturday. The first couple of months were rough. There were several times where she was just barely clinging on to life. But she is a fighter and has really pulled through. After several surgeries, she seems like she is here for the long haul. Her underlying condition is still there, and there will still be many challenges to come, but she seems like that is ok with her to keep going.

I am sending you this because you were there at such an important point of Lily’s and our lives. It meant so much to have the moments of her arrival captured, especially since we didn’t know how many moments we would have with her. Thank you so much for that.”

To bear witness to such a powerful story is something I will carry with me my entire life. I know the families I have served (over 50 at the time of this article) don’t realize how often I think of them or the impact their children have had on my life - but I mean from the depth of my soul when I say, ‘It’s been an honor to have met your child. Thank you.’

If you would like more information on how you can help families experiencing pregnancy and/or infant loss, please consider these organizations:

• The Dakota Lee Foundation

• Let Grace In

• Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep

Teresa Robertson received her Bachelor’s of Fine Art degree in Photography and Fine Art Illustration from the Savannah College of Art and Design. After serving as a volunteer for several years with Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep, she became interested in Birth Photography and Birth Doula (DONA) work as well. She soulfully resides on the island of Oahu, is passionate about preserving the land and culture. Currently accepting new clients for Doula services and Birth Photography.

When my family moved to Hawai’i (O’ahu to be exact) I knew that really determining what would stay and what would come with us was pretty important to our new way of living. What was a little harder to figure out was what to do with my photography studio and everything that went with it.

Having a private studio to photograph in was a life dream of mine; so much that when we started seriously discussing the potential move to Oahu, my husband wasn’t sure it would be something I’d be able to leave behind. But if anything was going to complete with my love of photography, it would be Hawai’i.

After we settled into our permanent home, everything fell into place; with the exception of my photography studio wall art display. Not just photographs, these were canvases and prints I had personally hand stretched, matted, framed and painted myself. Stuffed in closets. Leaning against walls. Strategically placed under beds. It stung, knowing years and years of work, time, dedication, and money on these portraits weren’t being properly cared for but it was the best I could do.

Shortly after we arrived, I had the privilege of attending a meeting with Jen Dombroski, founder of the Dakota Lee Foundation and Sunny Chen, Executive Director of Healthy Mothers Healthy Babies Coalition of Hawai’i. As we talked about the birth community and how we each wanted to play a helpful role locally, Sunny mentioned, ‘Just a small thing I wish we could do for our Mother’s would be to spruce up our space. I wish it felt a little more welcoming - we need help.’

And just like that - my photographic art of breastfeeding moms, newborns with their families, and kids playing found a space to call home.

As the recipient of several non-profit outreach and government assistant programs when I was a young mother, I love opportunities to encourage any new or young mom to feel a little more at ease and comfortable. For me, this couldn’t have been a more perfect arrangement: rather than keep everything hidden and in storage, I was able to find purpose in where they stayed and, maybe in some way, encourage another woman to keep putting one foot in front of the other. Because while it’s a different story for a different day, the time between receiving help from agencies to creating these images were many, many years. But I’d like to hope in a small way it will resonate with someone that, even if it takes one decade at a time, a lot of life lies ahead.

Letter written to Healthy Mothers Healthy Babies Coalition of Hawai’i from Photographer and Birth Doula Teresa Robertson

Are you considering hiring a birth Photographer or Doula?

I would love to talk to you more! Not even sure what to ask? That’s ok too. Never hesitate to reach out to a Photographer to simply discuss what your options are, how you may be able to work together, and see who may be the best fit for you. There are many of us who truly want to see you well taken care of and have your best interest at heart.

Simply fill out this form and I will be in touch (and I will NEVER pass along your info - pinky swear).

One of the major misconceptions with Postpartum Depression (PPD) is the assumption that it is a short-term struggle. Much like the flu, it hits some harder than others, the time frame that you are ‘out of commission’ can vary, but overall, you bear through the worst of it until it’s finally time to get back to the daily grind.

Except sometimes the worst of it never goes away. Sometimes you never get better. Sometimes it leaves and comes back.

“Something is really wrong with me because you don’t hear people talk about postpartum depression starting and then staying like that.’” Said Chelsea Reiswig in an article posted by The Atlantic, When Postpartum Depression Doesn’t Go Away.

The article continues to discuss the the long term effects that PPD can have on an individual when it goes undiagnosed. Towards the end of the article, Reiswig states, “Now I have accepted this is likely something I will deal with the rest of my life...”.

The day I met Lorena ( Motherhood Unfiltered ) I knew there was something a little deeper behind that gorgeous smile. D.C., Baltimore, Annapolis, Atlanta, Oahu Photographer.

And if you think it’s hard for the individual themselves to try and grasp what is happening to their emotional, mental, and physical health, it can be just as complicated for professionals. “It is very difficult for a person, even a trained person, to be able to distinguish between regular frustrations, hormonal fluctuations, and a mood disorder,” says Nicole Washington, a Tulsa-based psychiatrist.

I sincerely think this is why the discussion of what happens around birth - before birth, during birth, after birth - needs to be recognized as something that is not shushed and discarded. If we aren’t even near the point of being able to pinpoint and recognize certain challenges, the furthest thing from helping that is throwing up our hands, saying ‘Yep. That sucks.’ and changing the topic.

Laurena talks about her struggles after birth in her article, The Truth Behind the Photo . Newborn, Birth, Maternity photography serving the D.C., Atlanta, Annapolis, Baltimore, Oahu areas.

When I recognized that writing about the topic of Postpartum Depression was something that I felt was a necessary, I envisioned it to be a three part series: capturing the perspective of a postpartum mother I knew, sharing a piece of my own experience, and finding one article that may share some insight on this highly complex issue. Having come to what I loosely assumed would be the ‘end’ of this topic, I am reconsidering that my time exploring this is ‘done’.

I am well aware that this is not a topic that is going to be enjoyed by many; however, I am going to take the ‘quality over quantity’ approach with these writings, in the hopes that a few may be encouraged to recognize signs and symptoms within themselves or someone they know.

So, let’s keep the conversation going, so that we may feel joy, share joy, raise joy, and leave a legacy of joy.

Xo

Teresa

Teresa Robertson received her Bachelor’s of Fine Art degree in Photography and Fine Art Illustration from the Savannah College of Art and Design. After serving as a volunteer for several years with Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep, she became interested in Birth Photography and Birth Doula (DONA) work as well. She soulfully resides on the island of Oahu, is passionate about preserving the land and culture, and is proud to serve on The Queen’s Court.